December 8, 2014 by heavymetalblunder
With Christmas fast approaching, we thought it would be appropriate to list the 6
best worst strangest items of Kiss merchandise that have been licensed by everyone’s favorite money grabbing musicians.
So in no particular order…
This one had to come first (Ooh matron!). These are just plain revolting. Anyone that uses these should probably expect to become pregnant. You’d probably catch an STD from just using the damn things!
What could more up Kiss’s street that a game about accumulating massive amounts of wealth and property and bankrupt the opposition. No room for them bloody socialists here!
The spaces to buy include Gene’s solo album, Kiss pinball and Kiss Platinum Gold Boxset. Although, I’m not sure if the game includes forfeit cards like ‘you released Music from “The Elder” pay the record company $10,000,000‘, ‘Gene has finally alienated most of the fanbase you’re now bankrupt‘ or ‘Your wigs fall off mid-concert and the tour has been cancelled, promoters fine you $10,000,000‘!
The living, fire breathing American dream. That’s how Kiss would be described by most people, so why not have your own mini replica of Mount Rushmore with 2 new real Americans and 2 interchangable hired studio musicians!
If only it was as large as the real thing, then it would also be to the same size as Simmons’s head.
For when you need something more boring than Paul Stanley’s last solo album.
Have you ever wanted to smell like a billion dollars (or however much Gene says they’re worth these days)?
Worried you don’t have the tongue, make up or money to attract members of the opposite sex?
Well fear no more, you can now smell like Gin, sweat and piss with brand new Kiss cologne.*
*results may vary, will not guarantee attraction or success in anything.
Kiss Kasket and Urn
Obviously these had to go last. Hopefully for the Kiss Army the cologne has worked and they have many loved ones at the funeral, and they’ll finally get to use the Kasket they’ve been using as a beer cooler for all those years.
Obviously, no matter how big a Kiss fanatic you are, no one will be able to use both the Kasket and the Urn. Unless, your body is buried and your tongue cremated or something equally weird. But both are a somewhat
elegant creepy solution for any super fan at the end of their life.
Hey, at least they know their audience demographic.
Anyway, still 16 shopping days to go until Christmas, so get ordering!