December 3, 2014 by heavymetalblunder
An ex-servant from Vladimir Putin‘s private residence has released startling details behind the Russian President’s hatred of everything.
Vladimir Putin’s regime has recently disrupted American death metal band Cannibal Corpse’s tour of the country. Alex Webster‘s merry mob are considered so much of a threat to Russian Utopia , winged monkeys (or SWAT teams)were deployed to carry out Putin’s evil deeds and put a stop to them.
Alongside homosexuals and political activists and Australian food, it appears death metal bands are now on the Russian banned list. Why? Well this is has long been a compete mystery, as none of the groups pose any sort of threat to anything. Unless you’re a deluded, power hungry, peckish, fascist dictator!
This was until jaw dropping revelations were leaked by a former servant from his personal quarters. Alex Beruskhmiski risked the life of himself and his family to smuggle out Putin’s diary and place it in the hands of the western media.
Mr Putin insists on having a standee of Sir Ian Botham watch over him at night to scare away any possible attacks. He said, ‘Beefy’ was the only person alive, who was more masculine than him. He even had a little peep hole in the crotch, so he could hide and spy from behind it incase of intruders. We considered this to be very strange as he had the whole of the Russian secret service at his disposal. However, the pay was good so I took the job, as chief-standee co-ordinator, after my predecessor mysteriously disappeared.
It was only when i overhead his night terrors I released what the problem really was. He’d shriek ‘no, not corpsegrinder, he’s the biggest!’ or ‘not Webster’s fingers again, their like sausages, the callouses cut my rectum like sandpaper’.
It was only after curiosity got the better of Alex one night and he took the eccentric leaders diary he found the rabbit hole went a lot deeper. It was Christmas 1999, and Mr Putin fell asleep watching Ace Ventura Pet Detective, after a large Christmas dinner, he subsequently had an erotic dream about ex-Olympic sprinter Linford Christie.
He wrote extensively, in his diary, about his revulsion at himself for his attraction to Linford ‘Lunchbox‘ Christie, and his unhappiness at not seeing the man he desired by his side. His unhappiness at not being able to become the ultimate power couple sewed the seeds for his currently vengeance on the homosexual community and Cannibal Corpse. For he cannot think of Linford without hearing ‘Hammer Smashed Face‘ from that fateful Christmas in 1999. These also often cross over and he has nightmares of Lindford Christie inserting the members of Cannibal Corpse into his rectum one by one, and this is why he has essentially exiled the band from Russia.
It appears that unless Lindford Christie relents to Mr Putin’s sexual advances, Russian death metal fans will not be seeing Cannibal Corpse anytime soon.