November 30, 2014 by heavymetalblunder
A recent scientific study has shown that despite the repeated threats of the music industry; real music will actually continue to exist, even though major labels are charging for a pale, representation of it.
The industry has long been trying to rally against file sharing websites, arguing that it has been preventing people paying for music in its traditional formats. However, a recent scientific study has found that most popular pop stars have such a small percentage of the real person left on the recording, stealing their music cannot be seen as stealing from a real artist.
Dr. Ebert Ailstein from Miskaphonic University stated
“Modern popstars have more in common with commercial passenger planes than actual people on the streets. The cosmetic surgery they are made up with is 99% genetically identical to the paint on a Boeing 757 plane, and consequently bare little resemblance to a modern homo sapiens. This is before we get in to pro-tools, song writing teams and pitch correction. They have changed so much from the person on their birth certificate that is renders the productions invalid, it is not made by a person, you’re stealing off a company. Everyone knows that’s not real theft!”
The findings of the study go on to say that even though file sharing (nb not stealing) is a relatively new phenomenon (if you if ignore tape trading, cd burning and taping off the radio), the number of bands has never been higher. This suggests that even though it can be charged for, music is principally an artistic endevour rather than commercial. People want to do it, regardless of the financial rewards, furthermore, fans will still pay for quality, as seen in vinyl record sales revival.
Kiss bassist and compulsive wig wearer Gene Simmons declared that rock was murdered due to file sharing and a lack of musicianship from new bands. This has been widely discredited within the metal community as it has come from the mouth of a man who is usually more concerned with licensing coffee shops, Kaskets and themed Monopoly boards.
“You only have to look at the successful crowd funding campaigns by people like Devin Townsend and Ginger Wildheart to see that people are willing to pay for quality. And if you market your music to arseholes then they’ll treat you like an arsehole too!
New bands should play from the heart, treat the fans right and don’t listen to Gene Simmons.”