Top 5 Killer Metal

2

July 13, 2014 by heavymetalblunder

A report release today detailed that Tungsten is the perfect metal to make bullets and missiles out of. However, Tungsten is not the only dangerous metal, here’s 5 metal bands that are killer!

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Emperor 

Drummer Bard ‘Faust’ Eithun was convicted of murder after stabbing to death a man in the woods after a night in the pub. In  his defense Faust had accused the man of coming on to him, so he led him into the woods and pulled out his weapon (oooh matron!). For an band such as Emperor, who were very anti-christian, you would have thought they would have been natural allies with the homosexual community. United in a fight against a common Christian enemy. Maybe the rainbow flag just isn’t ‘evil’ enough.

Faust was convicted and served 9 years and 4 months in prison, so it wouldn’t be a surprise if Faust had been made forcibly intimate with a variety of homosexual practices.

 

As she lies dying As I Lay Dying

Front man for As I Lay Dying and steroid enthusiast Tim Lambesis, was convicted of paying a hit man to ‘wack’ his wife, in some sort of pseudo-mafia world that he thought he was living in. However, it was about as successful as him trying to convince you his muscle growth was natural.

Voted to be ‘most like Jesus’ by his high school classmates, Lambesis has recently renounced his faith and blamed the fact that he slipped into an affair and tried to hire a contract killer on this. Something that most godless heathens have so far avoided. No doubt he’ll be back to find Jesus right around parole time. At least he has the tattoos for prison, so he’ll fit right in.

 

Burzum 

What list of bloodthirsty heavy metal psychopaths would be complete with out the one and only Varg Vikernes. Fun loving, church burning, Jew hating, neo-Nazi, Aryan race idealist Varg Vikernes. When he isn’t stabbing people or inciting racial hatred, he trying to cross boarders with a car full of guns. If he invites you round for dinner, don’t go, as it certainly won’t be fried chicken, curry or any other ethnic food.

Although he does hold the title of the first Tolkien obsessed person to kill someone outside of Dungeons and Dragons.

 

BABYMETAL

A change from the above, as BABYMETAL haven’t actually killed anyone, or paid someone to do so, but they do sound like Ted Bundy’s wet dream set to death metal, they warrant inclusion on the list.

They recently held their second ever UK concert in London, which was no doubt filled with sexually confused bespectacled men, who’ve made the trip from their mothers garage especially for it. If they have a responsible agent, they will have bodyguards proficient in spotting men with transit vans and abundance of brown sacks and gaffer tape, as the amount of misplaced sexual aggression and illegal hard-ons must be obvious.

 

Five Finger Death Punch

If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. Five Finger Death Punch are part of the problem. The shear fact that this band are allowed to play live and record all over the world is an affront to bands that don’t just aim for the lowest common denominator to make some quick cash. Redneck, wannabe tough guy, nu-metal fodder, that’s only use is as ammunition for the pro-abortionists to explain why it should be readily available. If hearing these guys are still making records doesn’t get you angry enough to kill, then you need to raise your standards.

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Top 5 Killer Metal

  1. LOL. I laughed my ass off at this post. Especially the Babymetal bit.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Glad you enjoyed it, thanks for reading.

    Like

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